Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
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