So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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