Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
