8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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