No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
