When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
They are going to name an STD after you.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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