the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I lost the right to judge tonight
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
