I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
