so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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