She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
