it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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