you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
