3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
