He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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