Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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