I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Randomize
