My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
