went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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