Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
We're too hungover to prance.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
