Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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