I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
