my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Randomize
