I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Randomize
