Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
