Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
