My hand turned me down
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I have fence marks all over my body
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
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