Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
