I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
