Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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