Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
