i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
