genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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