Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
