I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
