guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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