The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
