Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize