I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
He passed out mid-signature
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
