Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
