hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
