did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
