i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Randomize
