my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
