I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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