i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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