You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
