in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
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