if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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