dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
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