Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
he was CRYING into my vagina
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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