apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Panties = found
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
And then he peed in my hair
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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