he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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