he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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