I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
