i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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