My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
