Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
