Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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