I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
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