I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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