i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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