textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
