my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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