I murdered the dance floor call the cops
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
