woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Randomize